Women and the Independence Paradox


Source: teenskepchick.org

In today’s world, the line of demarcation that existed between the traditional roles that defined men and women have blurred over and become interchanged to an extent where people have to walk around on eggshells for fear of blurting out something that might not go with the times, i.e. the sentiments of the modern and independent woman that we have come to identify with today. Understandable, as even in today’s world, the misogyny continues to thrive, the sexism that has being around for centuries still lingers, in some places more so than others. Every inch of independence that we women have carved out for ourselves in this male dominant world of ours came and comes with a price. We fight for it. We go against the wishes of our fathers for it. We disappoint our mothers for it because they just do not understand why we cannot follow in their footsteps and obey in every path of our lives. We break up with our boyfriends for it, because they try to control and dominate our lives to an extent that it is difficult to identify your own self and what sets it apart from him. We divorce husbands for it, because staying with them would mean losing your soul, one single piece at a time.

The whole argument of equality between sexes brings forth the independent woman – the woman who can do it all and be it all, even when the rest of the world is trying to bring her down. The woman who can climb corporate ladders and also be the super mom and wife on home turf. In societies that predominantly leans towards women being the homemaker, this puts an additional strain on the woman to keep up. The husband who more or less is a bed partner and sperm donor and of course the bread winner in conservative speak so to say, does not see the career woman his wife is, nor does he understand the need for it. He does not want to be saddled with bringing up their children and the housework that goes along with it. All they want to do at the end of the day is to come home, eat home cooked food, see that their children are well fed and going about their lives as they should and perhaps go out with friends or lounge on the couch with some footy on until its time for bed.

Meanwhile the woman, having after spent the same amount of time or perhaps even more at work, comes back to a home that she needs to put into order. Countless are the tasks a woman has to do in order to turn a house into a home. It does not magically happen overnight. There is laundry to do, fold, sort and iron, beds to change, bathrooms to clean, food to cook, homework to look after – and the list goes on. The woman struggles with both roles, all because she was educated and brought up to believe that she could have it all. And why shouldn’t she?

This puts the woman in a position where she forces herself to become self-reliant in so many ways. There is a saying that goes, if you want something done right, get it done yourself. So the woman takes on more than her share of the burden of keeping house. She fixes the broken, takes care of the seemingly mundane tasks that men often are absentminded about, or rather chooses to be sometimes because in the end the wife will get to it. And of course there is the fact that nothing he ever does is good enough for the wife. And the story goes.

This long ramble here brings me to a point. Where we women come to a point at which we have to do everything by ourselves. There is no leaning on another person, there is no asking for help – you are the fix it, can do it, want to do it wonder woman. You become this unstoppable force that at times “emasculates” the man, all because he sees his role as the provider for the family, the one who has to take care of the “manly” stuff around the house eroding away. You don’t see it. Nor do you have time for it. Because come tomorrow, you have to get up and go through the same grind all over again. And there is that report your boss requires for tomorrow morning’s meeting to get done. Who has the time for mundane complains?

When at last you come to a point where you are overwhelmed, and need someone else to take charge, that help is nowhere to be found. You have pushed away your well meaning mother if she is around, because you do not want to burden her in her old age. Bewildered, she has stopped asking. You cannot ask from your siblings, because they have too much going on in their lives. Or you have never been the sort to ask from them. You have stopped asking your friends, because hey, they are also busy with their lives, husbands and kids or workloads of their own to worry over. At times you have felt smug over just how well put together your life is in comparison to theirs, but now you wonder, is it really? Your husband, if you are still married, has no clue as to whether you are feeling overwhelmed. Because it has been years since you have needed him for anything, except perhaps to change a light bulb five years back, or pick up his underwear from the floor. So where does all this lead to?

Becoming someone who is self-reliant is part of the journey a woman makes towards being labeled as an independent. One of the lessons that my father taught us from a very young age was to become educated. His advice was to be smart enough so that we would not be left with broken pieces that we cannot figure out how to put together if our life falls apart. His advice has definitely seen me through a lot of rough patches. I have always gone out of my way to assert my sense and need for being independent. Even though our religion puts it as the duty of the husband to provide for his wife and keep her in comfort of the kind she is used to, I don’t feel right unless I earn my own keep. I want that financial independence, I want my opinions to be heard, I want to be respected, I want the whole damn cake so to speak.

There is a friend of mine, who found herself diagnosed with a potentially terminal disease that found herself on the other side of the equation. She is the self reliant sort, even today. So when she found out, and for the first time needed the emotional support from her spouse, it was nowhere to be found. Because unknowingly, with our need for self reliance and independence, we do tend to push away the people that loves us and wants to be there for us. We tend to stop communicating, because we no longer want to be known as the wife that won’t stop nagging. Or be labeled as someone who is so helpless that she requires constant need, care and attention. And so it goes.

At what point will we realize that we are potentially harming ourselves in never asking for help when we need it? Will we realize it when we are sick and unable to even move a muscle and all that your spouse does is ask you to go to the doctor and sort it out? Or will that make you even more determined to become stronger than you were before? I believe that the communication gap is an issue here, whereby at a certain point in most relationships, the back and forth just stops – you are too tired to argue, or its just not worth the hassle. Your spouse believes you have everything under control, and you don’t mind as long as he doesn’t bother you. So life heads into a loop from which there is no escape, for which there is no pause or undo button. Life once lived, is gone. The moment you just had is now well into the past. But somewhere along the way, I think as women we have to ask ourselves, is there a middle ground we can work with when it comes to being indomitably independent? Or has that moment already come and gone, never to return.

Food for thought perhaps.

We hypocritical women..

Whenever the question of why men love girl on girl action so much comes up, women tend to take the moral upper hand and sniff disdainfully to say that men being the pervert creatures they are, there is no stopping them. I too have wondered why men find it so enchanting, when women & men both agree apart from the gays and lesbians of course, that men on men action is a definite turn off.

However recently I have come to realize that in fact this might not be true. Being someone who is interested in various types of romantic fiction, I have come across a lot of erotic fiction that feature romance of the male on male variety or books of the theme ménage à trois (an arrangement where a married couple and a lover of one of them live together while sharing sexual relations). No matter how much I may love a good romance, I definitely don’t feel comfortable with the idea of a woman being shared by two men, no matter how advanced an age we may have traveled to. And I definitely can’t stand the idea of reading a gay romance, and don’t think this would change much in the years to come.

So, its to my surprise that I have found that girls dig men on men action! So comes the hypocritical part. When men make no secret of the fact that they are turned on by girl on girl action, women tend to find the idea ridiculous and claim that they can’t find any reason why it should be so appealing. But the truth of the matter is, more and more women these days who opt to read romantic fiction of the erotic genre where men have humongous male organs that can satisfy a woman or man 24/7, and where women are ready to try anything that could border between pleasure and pain, women are turned on by men on men action. One can read through book reviews to find out how ‘hot’ these books are deemed to be by female readers.

I guess when it all comes down to it, the truth of the matter is that men tend to be more graphical on what they want and need whereas women tend to require descriptions of the hows and whys and wheres and the emotional garbage that tends to go along with the sexual aspect of a novel or a movie. However, the undeniable truth is deep down inside, men and women are not all that different in this regard, no matter how much women may try to hide behind their shield of perpetual innocence in such matters.

Men, the pampered gender of our society

I am not being sexist but, this is something I have always wondered about.. Why do men in our society (at present times) have it so easy? Why are they always pampered and cosseted by every female in the household as if they are imbeciles or something? It is as if the male population might just evaporate into thin air if they have to lift one of their precious fingers to do a “domestic” chore @ home.

I’ve seen this happen to many Maldivian men and I am sure most of those who have been abroad for longer periods of time, mostly for higher studies have experienced or seen the same thing. Since the male *population* have been petted, pampered and every need of theirs seen to by the female *population* of the household, and for the first time in their lives, they have to take care of themselves, and it tends to *domesticate* most of these men even though it might be for a year or three (that is for those who havent been lucky enough to get married to an unassuming gal and dump all those chores into her lap).

Most of the time you tend to see a change for the good in men’s attitude whilst they live in foreign countries. No longer is chopping vegetables to cook a meal considered as a chore that might cause the guy to shed one or two layers of his masculinity *eyes roll*. And hanging up a few clothes to dry after a laundry session doesnt trigger the magical transformation from a guy to girl. Those who are married and whose wives are also on their studies, tend to help out the wife in doing the domestic chores like cooking, cleaning up etc. Its as if they do *realise* that the women folk are also human beings rather than slaves who are there to do their bidding at the drop of a hat.

However disappointingly, upon completion of their studies and once their feet hit the Maldivian soil, the dramatic transformation from the *domestic* male figure to the *pompous* arse comes upon them swiftly. God forbid that they enter the kitchen for a purpose other than to eat or drink a glass of water. It might just get them labelled as “anbi dhashuvefa” or & please, please do not let their mother see them helping out their wife. The wife becomes completely unsuitable for her Almighty son and the *I knew she wouldnt be able to take care of him the way he should be* conversations take place behind the wife’s back within the household “Oh-puhleeze!!”.

Even though there are a handful of Maldivian men who are secure enough in their masculinity not to be bothered about such trivialities, the majority of the male population tends to relax, lay back and let the ladies of their lives do all the domestic work. Cos us Maldivians deem that its the right way of things, that its how they should be. Cos we have been brought up that way and God forbid that any change be brought to the way we live our life!