Barack’s Emails

I recently came across this selection emails that is sent by President Barack Obama on Guardian.co.uk. This was a move initiated by the President in a unique experiment in democratic transparency, who is a BlackBerry owner, and the first American president to use email while in office who agreed to copy G2 in on his otherwise highly confidential electronic communications.

Here I have made a selection of my favorites from the email correspondences. Definite laugh-out-loud moments guaranteed.

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Published on Guardian on 16th Feb 2009
To: Sasha Obama (nickjonasfan@yahoo.com)
Subject: Re: an idea for who could be your commerce secretary

Honey, it’s totally sweet of you to try to help, and I know how much you love the Jonas Brothers, but, see, they’re celebrities, not economics experts, so I don’t think I’ll be putting one of them in charge of the Commerce Department like you suggest! You probably saw that headline “Obama Team Embarrassed And Desperate As Yet Another Nominee Withdraws”, but we’re not THAT desperate! Good luck with your homework tonight – remember, seven minutes of TV as a reward if you get it all done. xx Dad

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Published on Guardian on 23rd February 2009
To: Bill Clinton
Subject: Re: State of the Union Address, Tuesday

Wait, what? You just spent the last week on the TV talkshows subtly hinting that I’m being too negative about the economy, and now you say you want to stand at the podium “just for a few seconds” on Tuesday night, before everyone else arrives, so you can pretend that it’s you giving the speech? That you’ll “make it worth my while”? No, sorry.
Sincerely,
President Barack Obama
President of the United States
The White House (where the president lives)

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Published on Guardian on 9th March 2009
Subject: Re: Washington Post story – “Greying Hair Shows Hardworking President Is Working Harder Than Ever To Solve Economic Crisis”

Your talcum powder idea was GENIUS. Thanks again. BHO

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Published on Guardian on 16th March 2009

To: Malia Obama hypoallergenic_puppies_are_cute@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: OMG Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston SPLITTING UP!!!!

Hey, look, I already told you I don’t want you reading those kinds of magazines. I promise you there’s lots of fun stuff in the magazines your Mom and I pay for you to have delivered! For example, there’s usually one or two humorous articles in the New York Review of Books, and sometimes they run some pretty awesome letters in the Economist and the American Prospect too. Seriously, have a look. See you tonight after homework. xx Dad

To: Hillary Clinton secretary@state.gov
Subject: Your White House security pass

Hillary- see note from WH security staff below. Apparently your pass was used to access the West Wing at 2.45am last Tuesday night, and CCTV footage from a few minutes later shows Bill sitting at my desk in the Oval Office, ordering people around. Only (this is the weird part) there aren’t any people there. He picks up the phone a couple of times to shout instructions at people, but the call logs show he was just dialling his own cellphone. Can you maybe have a word? We can sort out counselling/therapy, if that’s helpful.

Thanks, Barack
PS. Bristol Palin and Levi Johnston SPLITTING UP!!! Didn’t see THAT one coming …

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Published on Guardian on 30th March 2009

To: FCO Protocol Directorate, protocol@fco.gov.uk
Subject: Re: G20: Meeting the Queen – handy hints for foreign leaders

Thanks for the list of tips – a little patronising, I have to say, but then I wouldn’t expect anything less from you guys. And I’ll admit I chuckled at tip number eight – “Her Majesty does not appreciate being winked at like George Bush did in 2007; the incident caused a tense standoff after she ordered all Trident missiles to be reprogrammed to target Washington in preparation for a retaliatory nuclear attack.” (I assumed that was one of your dry British jokes, but I checked with the chairman of the joint chiefs of staff and he tells me it really happened and we agreed to cover it up – Jesus.) Anyway, one follow-up question: what’s the correct protocol at the state banquet for when Prince Phillip adjusts his hearing-aid, leans over confidentially to his wife, and yells: “Who the Dickens is that dark-skinned chappie sitting at our dinner table, Liz? Are we in India or something?” Because you just *know* it’s going to happen.
Thanks in advance, Barack

To: Malia Obama, hypoallergenic_puppies_are_cute@yahoo.com
Subject: Re: DOG??????? WTF, DAD?

You need to learn some patience, young lady. And your threat to leak “a candid account of life inside America’s First Family” to People magazine if I “don’t hurry up and get the dog quickly” is actually blackmail. You can go to jail for that.
Dad

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Published on Guardian on 27th April 2009

To: Malia Obama [hypoallergenic_puppies_are_cute@yahoo.com]
cc: Sasha Obama [nickjonasfan@yahoo.com]
Subject: pets and responsibilities

Hey, I thought we had a contract. When we agreed to get Bo, we also agreed that you two would assume all the duties involved – that includes feeding the dog, walking the dog, cleaning up the dog’s business and answering the dog’s emails. The IT desk tells me there’s a 6.5 GB pile-up in his inbox. I know you’ve got a lot of homework, but it doesn’t take much – “Thanks for the message, woof woof, Bo” and on to the next one. Let’s aim for a significant dent in the backlog by the end of the week. Dad.

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Published on Guardian on 8th June 2009
To: Michelle Obama [firstlady@whitehouse.gov]
Subject: Re: Girls fighting even worse now – what on earth did you say??

Hey, how’s it going over there? Berlin’s fine. You know … German. Apologies if I’ve made things worse between M & S: I spoke to them on the secure line literally minutes after the Cairo speech, and when Malia told me Sasha had been deliberately unplugging the PlayStation while she was using it, I just slipped into this whole Great Peacemaker oratory thing without really thinking. “Does not the Holy Qu’ran tell us that we shall live peaceably as brothers and sisters; does not the Talmud exhort us to live in peace?” Etc, etc. I always forget that this stuff works so much better in stadium speeches than at home. In fact, Malia said it hadn’t even occurred to her to launch Qassam rockets at her sister until I told her she was “surrendering moral authority” by doing so. So, that was an error. See you soon
xB

To: Michelle Obama [firstlady@whitehouse.gov]
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Girls fighting even worse now – what on earth did you say??

What?? Sasha’s moved a bunch of her stuff into Malia’s room and is refusing to leave? Yeah, I REALLY need to remember to put Mideast politics aside when I switch into parenting mode. Sorry again.
B

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Published on Guardian on 22nd June 2009
To: Hillary Clinton [secretary@whitehouse.gov]
Subject: Re: Hey, Hillary Clinton, Someone Sent You A Free ‘Get Well Soon!’ E-Card!

Oh, it was nothing. I mean, literally: it was nothing. (That’s the great thing about free e-cards!) But I’m sorry to hear that Joe didn’t see fit to rein in his annoying conversational habit of delivering a jocular punch to the arm while making a point. It’s annoying at the best of times. I can’t imagine what it’s like when you’ve broken your elbow.
Warmly,
Barack

PS. Bet I could beat you in an arm-wrestle. (For the next few weeks, anyhow.)

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Published on Guardian on 17th August 2009
To: Sasha Obama , Malia Obama
Subject: Re: Sasha poured Gatorade on my copy of The Wealth of Nations

Girls! If I hear any more reports of fighting between you I won’t be inviting Nick Jonas OR Joseph Stiglitz to join us at Martha’s Vineyard. And then you’ll BOTH be disappointed. You’re just going to have to learn to accept that you have very different interests. It’s what makes you each so special! Although don’t forget, Malia, that Sasha has a point: sometimes it *is* fun to go outside and play, run around, things like that. Even if you don’t want to play with her. Don’t get me wrong – I love that you love macroeconomics so much. I just want you to be happy. xxDad

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Published on Guardian on 19th October 2009
To: White House Staff Subject: Fox News

All, you’ll have seen reports that the administration is “at war” with Fox News, purportedly because it’s a vicious, lie-filled sewer of bigoted propaganda and hate. Now, I’m a uniter, not a divider, so I wouldn’t personally endorse any notion of Fox News being a vicious, lie-filled sewer of bigoted propaganda and hate. But just fyi, it’ll no longer be available on WH televisions, and any attempt to select that channel on the remote will result in a mild electric shock to the user. Warmly, Barack

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Published on Guardian on 26th October 2009
To: Michelle Obama Subject: Re: Re: I really think I can do this …

OK, forget what I said about dignity, and about you being a lawyer. I know you’re finding it hard to fulfil the role of first lady, and if this is something you want to pursue, go for it. I checked: the world record is 107 hula hoops, so you’ve got a way to go. B

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Published on Guardian on 30th November 2009
To: Sasha Obama , Malia Obama Subject: Re: Do we HAVE to? Why??

Because I said so, and it’s Thanksgiving – a time when we put aside our differences with people and try to get along. So: your cousins will arrive at 2pm for Thanksgiving dinner, and I want you to play nice. Sasha, that means you have to share Grand Theft Auto, and Malia, I do not want you spending all day in your room running regression analyses on leading macroeconomic indicators in Excel. Remember: this is when we try to include everyone and make them feel loved. xx Dad

To: Sasha Obama , Malia Obama Subject: Re: “putting aside our differences”

You did WHAT? You invited the Cheneys? Oh, Jesus. I didn’t mean . . . I hate that guy. I mean, I guess they won’t come, because they spend Thanksgiving on their ranch in Wyoming, stamping on the heads of baby turkeys and drinking crude oil, but… jeez. Just don’t ever do that again, OK? Dad

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Published on Guardian on 7th December 2009
To: Michelle Obama
Subject: Re: Any idea where the Bushes put last year’s Xmas decorations?

Found them! But they’re too tacky to use – all elves in cowboy outfits and reindeer with flashing noses. I stopped a housekeeper from setting the speaker system to play Little Drummer Boy, on repeat, all day every day until the 25th. She said it’s what the Bushes always did. I reminded her that reaffirming the ban on torture was one of the first things I did on assuming office. xxB

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Published on Guardian on 21st December 2009
To: Michelle Obama Subject: Observations from Copenhagen

Wow – this summit is, like, a REALLY big story over here. On all the front pages, like it’s the most important thing happening in the world. Almost no mention of healthcare reform at all! The only story everyone is interested in on both sides of the Atlantic is Susan Boyle. xxB PS. Huh. I’m told it now IS on the front pages back home. Honestly, I leave the country for a minute and suddenly America’s interested in climate change . . .

To: Michelle Obama Subject: Observations from Copenhagen, pt 2

En route to big speech now. Many protesters. Banners: “OBAMA: THE EARTH’S FATE IS IN YOUR HANDS!!!”, etc. I thought about writing my own and holding it up against the window: “Thank you for your suggestion! But did you realise that in fact I’m the leader of a constitutional republic, such that any grand commitment I were to make would be meaningless without overwhelming support in the Senate, some members of which think global warming’s a hoax and/or that I’m a Kenyan-born communist intent on establishing a dictatorship? Meanwhile, how about I do what I can?” But I didn’t have a piece of cardboard big enough. Plus, the tinted windows would have posed a problem. xxB

To: Michelle Obama Subject: Observations from Copenhagen, pt 3

Also, what’s with all these Scandinavian visits? Giving them all this attention totally screws with our Strategically Unimportant Countries PR strategy. Apparently the Dutch PM berated Hillary in a corridor last night, and Gibbs says my administration is being accused of a “blatantly anti-Liechtenstein” foreign policy. (He says if we send them an autographed photo it ought to do the trick.) xxB

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Published on Guardian on 14th February 2009
To: Sasha Obama
Subject: Re: Hillary

Sweetie, that was such a lovely thought of yours to send a little note to Hillary saying how pleased you were that Bill was out of the hospital in time for them to spend Valentine’s Day together! I’m sure it’ll be much appreciated. Now, just to explain about the Clintons, I’m not sure whether they actually will be spending Valentine’s Day together, like your mom and me. But that’s just because they’re both very busy people, so sometimes it’s hard for them to see each other as much as they’d like!

xx Dad

To: Sasha Obama
Subject: Re: Re: Hillary

Yeah, that’s a fair point – your mom and I are very busy people too. Look, I’ll try to explain the difference sometime. Don’t worry for now. xx

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Published on Guardian on 7th March 2010
To: All White House Staff
Subject: Noise issues

All: I know that many of you, like me, have found it hard to concentrate on work because of a persistent, rumbling, human-like noise — “like a cackling”, as someone described it. It started around the time of the press leaks suggesting I might back down on my plan to give the 9/11 mastermind a civilian trial in New York, reverting to a Cheney-style military tribunal. It’s been getting louder (and “more triumphalist”, as Axelrod put it, jamming his fingers in his ears) ever since. Well, acoustic engineers have traced it to some sort of sprawling secret compound in Wyoming that, weirdly, doesn’t appear on Google Earth (!) – we’re investigating further, but meanwhile, industrial-style earplugs and noise-cancelling headphones are available from the facilities office. Patience, everyone. Barack

PS. The other sound – that distressed wail, almost like a keening – we know about. That’s my liberal base. We’re going to have to get used to that one, I’m afraid.
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My personal favorite would have to be the one where Sasha sent the Valentines message to Hilliary Clinton. Haha! The way Obama tried to explain it to Sasha it was kind of hilarious!

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Newspaper Titles Do Matter!

One of my previous English teachers posted this on his facebook. I just had to post this here because I laughed so hard reading through all of this. Hope you guys enjoy as well!

1.Something went wrong in Jet crash expert says
2.Police begin campaign to run down jay-walkers
3.Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted
4.Drunk Gets Nine Months in Violin Case
5.Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents
6.Farmer Bill Dies in House
7.Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
8.Is there a Ring of Debris around Uranus
9.Stud Tires Out
10.Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
11.Panda mating fails: veterinarian takes over
12.Soviet virgin lands Short of Goal Again
13.British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
14.Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms
15.Eye Drops off Shelf
16.Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
17.Reagan Wins on Budget, But More Lies Ahead
18.Squad Helps Dog Bite victim
19.Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66
20.Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Axe
21.Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told
22.Miners Refuse to Work after Death
23.Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant
24.Stolen Painting Found by Tree
25.Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies
26.Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter
27.Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years
28.Never Withhold Herpes Infection from Loved One
29.Drunken Drivers Paid $1000 in ’84
30.War Dims Hope for Peace
31.If Strike isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last a While
32.Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures
33.Enfields Couple Slain Police Suspect homicide
34.Red Tape Holds Up New Bridge
35.Deer Kill 17,000
36.Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead
37.Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge
38.New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group
39.Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in spacecraft
40.Kids Make Nutritious Snacks
41.Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy
42.Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire
43.Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood
45.Lansing Residents Can Drop Off Trees
46.Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half
47.New Vaccine May Contain Rabies
48.Man Minus ear waives hearing
48.Deaf College opens Doors to Hearing
49.Air Head Fired
50.British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply

Wat the heck?!!

An article which I came across in the Haveeru Daily literally had steam coming out of my ears. In the news piece it was stated that the trial of a guy who had sexually abused his 6 year old step daughter was held on Thursday in his absence.

Now the part that got me riled up wasnt the fact that the trial was being held in his absence. It was the fact that the mother of the child was reluctant to testify against the step father aka her husband (hopefully ex-husband) cos she had a baby who wasnt even a year old from the worse-than-scum-stepdad.

I just couldnt believe it!! I mean I just cant understand why the heck the mother would want to protect the husband when he had SEXUALLY abused her child from a previous marriage when hospital records had also confirmed the fact that the girl had been sexually abused. C’mon!! Someone who sexually abuses six year olds cannot be that good of a husband!!

And I bet the line of defense that the step father would have might just be “Oh comeon!! She was giving me the come-on-to-me signal right from the day i married her mother”. Geez!!

I seriously wonder whats wrong with the human generation. Now the mother might go onto defend her actions by saying she was thinking how on earth was she going to take care of her two kids without any financial back-up from the worse-than-scum-stepdad.

I’d say go get a life!!. If someone dares abuse my child, even if the guy may be the love of my life I say he wasnt worth my love in the first place. Single parenthood maybe tough but you will survive. Get a job! Earn a living and provide for your children no matter how measly your earnings might turn out to be. Atleast the children wouldnt grow up haunted by the fact that at any time during the day or night, the evil that lives right beside their mother might pounce on them when he feels like it!!

Lawyer Jokes – Just for Fun!

Lawyer: “Was that the same nose you broke as a child?”
Witness: “I only have one, you know.”
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Lawyer: “Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?”
Witness: “By death.”
Lawyer: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
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Accused, Defending His Own Case: “Did you get a good look at my face when I took your purse?”
The defendant was found guilty and sentenced to ten years in jail.
****************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “What is your date of birth?”
Witness: “July 15th.”
Lawyer: “What year?”
Witness: “Every year.”
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Lawyer: “Can you tell us what was stolen from your house?”
Witness: “There was a rifle that belonged to my father that was stolen from the hall closet.”
Lawyer: “Can you identify the rifle?”
Witness: “Yes. There was something written on the side of it.”
Lawyer: “And what did the writing say?”
Witness: “‘ Winchester ‘!”
****************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?”
Witness: “Gucci sweats and Reeboks.”
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Lawyer: “Can you describe what the person who attacked you looked like?”
Witness: “No. He was wearing a mask.”
Lawyer: “What was he wearing under the mask?”
Witness: “Er…his face.”
*****************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “This myasthenia gravis — does it affect your memory at all?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And in what ways does it affect your memory?”
Witness: “I forget.”
Lawyer: “You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you’ve forgotten?”
*****************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “How old is your son, the one living with you?”
Witness: “Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can’t remember which.”
Lawyer: “How long has he lived with you?”
Witness: “Forty-five years.”
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Lawyer: “What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?”
Witness: “He said, ‘Where am I, Cathy?'”
Lawyer: “And why did that upset you?”
Witness: “My name is Susan.”
******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Sir, what is your IQ?”
Witness: “Well, I can see pretty well, I think.”
******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Did you blow your horn or anything?”
Witness: “After the accident?”
Lawyer: “Before the accident.”
Witness: “Sure, I played for ten years. I even went to school for it.”
*****************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Trooper, when you stopped the defendant, were your red and blue lights flashing?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “Did the defendant say anything when she got out of her car?”
Witness: “Yes, sir.”
Lawyer: “What did she say?”
Witness: “‘What disco am I at?'”
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Lawyer: “Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for blood pressure?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “Did you check for breathing?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “How can you be so sure, Doctor?”
Witness: “Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.”
Lawyer: “But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?”
Witness: “Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.”
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Lawyer: “How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?”
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Lawyer: “And you check your radar unit frequently?”
Officer: “Yes, I do.”
Lawyer: “And was your radar unit functioning correctly at the time you had the plaintiff on radar?”
Officer: “Yes, it was malfunctioning correctly.”
******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “What happened then?”
Witness: “He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.'”
Lawyer: “Did he kill you?”
Witness: “No.”
******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Now sir, I’m sure you are an intelligent and honest man–”
Witness: “Thank you. If I weren’t under oath, I’d return the compliment.”
******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “You were there until the time you left, is that true?”
Lawyer: “So you were gone until you returned?”
******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “The youngest son, the 20 year old, how old is he?”
******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Were you alone or by yourself?”
******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “How long have you been a French Canadian?”
******************************************************************************************
Witness: “He was about medium height and had a beard.”
Lawyer: “Was this a male or a female?”
******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn’t you?”
Witness: “I went to Europe , sir.”
Lawyer: “And you took your new wife?”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture.”
Witness: “That’s me.”
Lawyer: “Were you present when that picture was taken?”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Do you know how far pregnant you are now?”
Witness: “I’ll be three months on November 8.”
Lawyer: “Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “What were you doing at that time?”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “How many times have you committed suicide?”
Witness: “Four times.”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Do you have any children or anything of that kind?”
Lawyer: “She had three children, right?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “How many were boys?”
Witness: “None.”
Lawyer: “Were there girls?”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “You don’t know what it was, and you didn’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”
Witness: “Yes.”
Lawyer: “And these stairs, did they go up also?”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Have you lived in this town all your life?”
Witness: “Not yet.”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: (realizing he was on the verge of asking a stupid question) “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Eddington at the Rose Chapel?”
Witness: “It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30pm.”
Lawyer: “And Mr. Eddington was dead at the time, is that correct?”
*******************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “What is your brother-in-law’s name?”
Witness: “Borofkin.”
Lawyer: “What’s his first name?”
Witness: “I can’t remember.”
Lawyer: “He’s been your brother-in-law for years, and you can’t remember his first name?”
Witness: “No. I tell you, I’m too excited.” (rising and pointing to his brother-in-law) “Nathan, for heaven’s sake, tell them your first name!”
********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in New York ?”
Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Chicago ?”
Witness: “I refuse to answer that question.
Lawyer: “Did you ever stay all night with this man in Miami ?”
Witness: “No.”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Doctor, did you say he was shot in the woods?”
Witness: “No, I said he was shot in the lumbar region.”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “What is your marital status?”
Witness: “Fair.”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Are you married?”
Witness: “No, I’m divorced.”
Lawyer: “And what did your husband do before you divorced him?”
Witness: “A lot of things I didn’t know about.”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “How did you happen to go to Dr. Cherney?”
Witness: “Well, a gal down the road had had several of her children by Dr. Cherney and said he was really good.”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
Witness: “All my autopsies have been performed on dead people.”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Were you acquainted with the deceased?”
Witness: “Yes sir.”
Lawyer: “Before or after he died?”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Mrs. Jones, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?”
Witness: “No. This is how I dress when I go to work.”
*********************************************************************************************
The Court: “Now, as we begin, I must ask you to banish all present information and prejudice from your minds, if you have any.”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Did he pick the dog up by the ears?”
Witness: “No.”
Lawyer: “What was he doing with the dog’s ears?”
Witness: “Picking them up in the air.”
Lawyer: “Where was the dog at this time?”
Witness: “Attached to the ears.”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “When he went, had you gone and had she, if she wanted to and were able, for the time being excluding all the restraints on her not to go, gone also, would he have brought you, meaning you and she, with him to the station?”
Other Lawyer: “Objection. That question should be taken out and shot.”
*********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “And lastly, Gary , all your responses must be oral. Ok? What school do you go to?”
Witness: “Oral.”
Lawyer: “How old are you?”
Witness: “Oral.”
**********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “What is your relationship with the plaintiff?”
Witness: “She is my daughter.”
Lawyer: “Was she your daughter on February 13, 1979?”
**********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Now, you have investigated other murders, have you not, where there was a victim?”
**********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?”
**********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “And what did he do then?”
Witness: “He came home, and next morning he was dead.”
Lawyer: “So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?”
**********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?”
Witness: “He didn’t offer me nothing. He just said I could have the furniture.”
***********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “So, after the anesthesia, when you came out of it, what did you observe with respect to your scalp?”
Witness: “I didn’t see my scalp the whole time I was in the hospital.”
Lawyer: “It was covered?”
Witness: “Yes, bandaged.”
Lawyer: “Then, later on…what did you see?”
Witness: “I had a skin graft. My whole buttocks and leg were removed and put on top of my head.”
***********************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Could you see him from where you were standing?”
Witness: “I could see his head.”
Lawyer: “And where was his head?”
Witness: “Just above his shoulders.”
************************************************************************************************
Lawyer: “Do you drink when you’re on duty?”
Witness: “I don’t drink when I’m on duty, unless I come on duty drunk.”
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Lawyer: “Any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted murder trial?”
Witness: “The victim lived.”
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Lawyer: “The truth of the matter is that you were not an unbiased, objective witness, isn’t it? You too were shot in the fracas.”
Witness: “No, sir. I was shot midway between the fracas and the naval.”
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Lawyer: “Officer, what led you to believe the defendant was under the influence?”
Witness: “Because he was argumentary, and he couldn’t pronunciate his words.”

Cheapest Laptop EVER!!

Massachusetts Institute of Technology has detailed specification for a $100 laptop which is going to be the “source” of open source education for poor countries. It is considered to be an education project rather than a laptop project.

The proposed design would consist of a 500 MHz processor, 1 GB RAM, an innovational dual-mode display that can be used in full-color mode.The system would be powered by conventional current, batteries or by a windup attached to the side of the notebooks.

Linux would be the Operating System used in the system together with some applications that would be developed by Massachusetts Institute of Technology (MIT) researchers.

Connectivity issues regarding the laptop is going to be solved by Wi-Fi and cell phone enabled and the laptop will also include 4 USB ports.

If this highly ambitious venture of MIT becomes true, there is going to be a huge shift on the way computer systems are perceived by the general public.